Jacob Black's thoughts during New Moon
by PirateBee
Summary: Did you ever wonder what was going through Jacob's mind after he turned into a wolf?
1. Chapter 1

I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT

PROPERTY OF STEPHANIE MEYER

ALL CHARACTERS AND MATERIAL BELONGS TO HER

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How many times had I circled Bella's house.

Two Hundred? Five Hundred?

I'd lost count a long time ago. All the lights were out in the Swan residence.

Everything was silent.

Even Bella's crying had finally ceased. Why was I such an idiot? I had promised her I would be there for her hadn't I? And then what did I do? I had to phrase into a dumb werewolf, of all the possibilities I had to become a monster too? Just like him? It had been over a month since I'd seen her. I thought back to the dim memory of the movie theatre incident with Bella and that vile Mike Newton. It felt like such a long time ago. I had left her, given her no answers, I just left. Was I really no better then her stupid bloodsucker? I never knew what she saw in him and to be honest I still don't.

Edward.

The name made me give an involuntary growl, the desire to have him so close to me would be so tempting. Without a doubt I would hurt him, to make him suffer just as he is making Bella suffer. At least with me I never chose to leave her, He did. I promise I will go and see her once this whole thing calms down. If she still wants to know me that is. Sam was suddenly in my mind telling me to come home. This was going to take awhile to get used to! I got up, took one last look at Charlie's house and disappeared into the night.

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i'm 14 and this is my first story.

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thankyou!


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own twilight. The beautiful Stephanie Meyer does 

I was in the woods with the pack discussing tactics about the red-haired leech we had

seen a couple of days prior. In mid sentence Sam stopped abruptly, that's when I heard it. The engine of my old truck coming down my driveway. There was only one person on the face of the earth that has enough patience to put up with that slow thing.

Bella.

Her name made my skin erupt in Goosebumps (not the easiest thing to do) I ran from the pack, well aware of their growls of protest.

That's when I saw her.

She was sitting in her truck with a pen and paper drawing. Had she gotten any smaller? She looked so fragile, I used to call her my porcelain doll but now she just looked sick. Her eyes tired with dark black circles under them, how I hated myself at that very moment. I promised her I would always be there for her unlike her cold skinned leech. As much as I would have loved to go up to her and embrace her, I couldn't. I had to follow Sam's orders. I couldn't tell her anything but I couldn't hurt her either but unfortunately it looked like I would have to.

I went up to her truck and gave it a sharp tap against the door being incredibly careful not to make a dint in it. She jumped in fright. I had to remember that I couldn't tell her the truth and that hurting her was my only option. She shouldn't be around me, I wasn't safe enough, and I wasn't good enough.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" I growled.

She didn't say anything she just stared back at me in shock. Of course she would, she hadn't seen me in weeks and my physical appearance had changed dramatically. My hair was gone, cropped quite short, covering my head with an inky gloss like satin. I could feel the change too, where there once was a nice warm friendly smile was replaced with a permanent scowl.

"Jacob" She whispered.

She sounded so lonely, so scared.

Her eyes stared at me before taking in the scene behind me, Sam stood with some of the pack behind me, and making sure I didn't do anything stupid.

"What do you want?" I demanded

"I want to talk to you" she replied in a week voice.

"Go ahead" I hissed through my teeth.

"Alone" she hissed back at me with a stronger voice.

I didn't know if I was allowed to. I looked back at Sam and the others did too. Sam stared at me for a brief second before confirming it was okay with a quick nod. He made a quick comment in Quileute asking the others to come inside and they would be watching, listening in case anything unplanned should occur.

"Okay" I sighed relieved that the others were gone.

Bella took in a deep unsteady breath.

"You know what I want to know"

Of course I did. She wanted an explanation. She wanted to know what the hell was going on and I couldn't blame her for that. But I couldn't tell her the truth. It was so complicated and I was forbidden to do so. She stared back at me and I think she must have realised that I wasn't planning on answering her question.

"Can we walk?" She asked.

She got out of the car and started to walk towards the trees to the north.

Her feet squished in the damp grass and mud. Apart from that, it was deathly quiet and eerie. I didn't like the quiet it left me and my thoughts alone and that wasn't a good mix. I would have to make it clear that we couldn't be friends; I was too much of a risk. I suddenly realised that I would have to get this over and done with so I sped up my pace. I walked in front of Bella and turned around, blocking her path.

"Let's get this over with" I said in a hard husky voice.

She didn't reply and I knew she wouldn't so I continued.

"It's not what you think." I explained knowing perfectly well she wanted to know why I had ditched her for Sam Uley.

"It's not what I thought- I was way off."

"So what is it then?"

I stared at her face, debating with myself whether or not to continue. So I settled on a truthful answer.

"I can't tell you"

I could see that that hurt her and she spoke through her teeth.

"I thought we were friends"

"We were" It stung deeply to use past tense.

"But you don't need friends anymore, you have Sam. Isn't that nice- you've always looked up to him so much" She replied, her voice sour and filled with disgust.

I felt a strong desire to protect Sam; he hadn't done this to me.

"I didn't understand him before"

And now you've seen the light. Hallelujah"

"It wasn't like what I though it was. This isn't Sam's fault. He's helping me as much as he can.

I stopped short, worried about how much I should tell her.

He's Helping you, naturally" She replied her voice dripping with sarcasm.

I started to get angry, not at her but at the situation. I made sure I kept calm, I couldn't phase with her around.

"Jacob, please, won't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help"

No one can help me now" I whispered, my voice breaking on the last word.

"What did he do to you?"

She reached out towards me her arms wide; I cringed away holding my arms up defensively.

"Don't touch me" I whispered, I didn't know how much more of this I could physically take.

"Is Sam catching?" She mumbled

"Stop blaming Sam" The words were out of my mouth before I meant them, it was a reflex, Sam had been nothing but helpful to me.

"Then who should I blame"

I halfway smiled. How I wished she hasn't asked that. But I promised myself I would answer as truthful as I possibly could, but I didn't want to tell her.

"You don't want to hear that"

"The hell I don't! I want to know and I want to know now!"

"You're wrong"

"Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong- I'm not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me whose fault this all is, if it's not your precious Sam!

I took in an unsteady breath.

"You asked for it" I growled.

"If you want to blame someone, why don't you point your finger at those filthy, reeking, bloodsuckers that you love so much?"

Bella's mouth fell open and her breath came out with a whooshing sound. She looked hurt, her eyes filled up with water and she stared back at me like she didn't even recognize me.

"I told you that you didn't want to hear it" I pointed out.

"I don't understand who you mean"

Ahhhh Bella why did she have to be so dumb? She was still trying to protect their secret just like I was trying to protect mine too. I raised one eyebrow in disbelief.

"I think you understand exactly who I mean. Your not going to make me say it are you? I don't like hurting you"

"I don't understand who you mean"

"The Cullens"

I saw all the emotions fly across her face as I said it, shock, hurt, sadness.

"I saw that- I can see in your eyes what it does to you when I say their name."

She shook her head in denial almost like trying to convince herself that what I was saying wasn't true.

"Don't tell me you're listening to Billy's superstitious nonsense now."

"He knows better than I gave him credit for."

"Be serious, Jacob."

She continued..

"Superstitions aside, I still don't see what you are accusing the Cullens of. They left more than half a year ago. How can you blame them for what Sam is doing now?"

"Sam isn't doing anything, Bella. And I know they're gone. But sometimes…things are set in motion, and then it's too late.

She stared at me confused.

"What's set in motion? What's too late? What are you blaming them for?

I couldn't help but growling, after everything they had done to her, she's forgiving them?

"For existing" I hissed.

You're being ridiculous"

"Fine,, I won't argue with you. It doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done."

"What damage" she screeched.

I couldn't tell her, it would give everything away.

Let's get back there is nothing more to say."

There's everything more to say! You haven't said anything yet!"

I walked past her, heading towards my house.

"I ran into Quil today"

I froze, one of my best mates. God, I miss him. He must hate me for turning my back on him to go to Sam, but it wasn't my fault. Sam is good, not bad like we thought before.

"You remember your friend, Quil? Yeah, he's terrified"

"Quil" I whispered

"He's frightened that his next"

This couldn't be happening; I clutched the tree for support.

"He won't be next, he can't be. It's over now. Why?"

I slammed my fist into the tree trunk, breaking off the trunk. Bella stared at me in shock. I had to remember normal humans couldn't do that with their fists. I had to go tell the others about Quil.

"I have to get back" I told her.

"Back to Sam!"

"That's one way of looking at it"

I turned, just about to make a run for the house, when Bella stopped me.

"Wait!"

" Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."

How much I hated myself then. I wanted to kill myself, anything would be better than doing this to her. Tears welled up in her eyes and I knew she was breaking apart.

" Are you…breaking up with me?"

I didn't mean it but I barked out a bitter laugh. Bella? My girlfriend? Hardly, how many times had I dreamt of kissing her? But it was obvious that her heart belonged to someone else.

"Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's just be friends'. I can't even say that."

"Jacob…why? Sam won't let you have other friends? Please Jake. You promised. I need you!"

I had promised. She was hurting and it was all because of me.

I'm sorry, Bella."

That much was true anyway.

I'm sorry that I couldn't…before….I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob. Maybe I would change. Maybe if you gave me some time. Just don't quit on me now, Jake. I can't take it."

I despised myself. She was blaming herself! I raised one shaking hand towards her.

"No. Don't think like that, Bella, please. Don't blame yourself; don't think this is your fault. This one is all me. I swear, it's not about you."

It's not you, it's me, there's a new one."

"I mean it, Bella. I'm not. I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore or anything else." I'm not what I was before. I'm not good."

"What? What are you saying? You're much better than I cam, Jake. You are good! Who told you that you aren't? Sam? It's a vicious lie, Jacob! Don't let him tell you that!"

She was screaming madly. How I wished I could believe her words.

"No one had to tell me anything. I know who I am."

"You're my friend, that's what you are! Jake-don't!"

I knew at that moment I had to get away.

"I'm sorry, Bella"

I turned around and ran back into my house. Past all their curious faces and went upstairs. I didn't know how I was going to do this but I was going to keep my promise to Bella.

I promised. 

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Thankyou to all the stunning people that have been reading. But I need more comments before I continue!


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